Enmeshment occurs when family relationships lack boundaries and clarity around specific roles, responsibilities, and expectations. Parents can become enmeshed with their children starting at a young age. They might rely heavily on their children as their sole source of emotional support, place their entire sense of self-worth on their child’s shoulders, or view their child as an extension of themselves rather than a separate, unique individual.
Perhaps you’ve realized that you were in an enmeshed relationship with one or both of your parents, and now, you’re wondering how to avoid replicating this dynamic with your own child. Here’s how to recognize and prevent enmeshment with your child, especially if they are young.
Set Realistic Expectations
Many parents begin putting highly specific expectations on their child’s shoulders when they’re still quite young. This doesn’t always mean academic or professional expectations.
It could be an expectation to play a certain “role” in the household, help out with their siblings while putting their own needs on the backburner, participate in a particular religion, or uphold another family tradition. Relaxing your expectations for your child can help you avoid enmeshment.
Encourage Your Child to Set Boundaries
Families in which enmeshment is a problem often suffer from a lack of boundaries. Parents, children, and extended family members might have very minimal boundaries with each other. Family members might overextend themselves to avoid conflicts, because they do not know how to disagree with each other or advocate for themselves.
Encourage your child to set small boundaries while they are young. This is a skill that will serve them well in adulthood. Although every parent sometimes has to ask their child to do things they do not want to do, it’s important to give your child the opportunity to set their own boundaries in safe environments.
Give Your Child Space to Individuate
Children in enmeshed families may feel like they don’t have the right to be themselves. They feel limited and constrained in terms of their self-expression. You may cherish the similarities between yourself and your child, but giving them the space to individuate and discover who they are is key.
Let your child explore their own hobbies, interests, and perspectives. They may surprise you, and sometimes, your differences can strengthen your relationship!
Respect Your Child’s Privacy
Within an enmeshed family system, privacy is typically an afterthought. Parents might demand that their children share every detail of their lives, and they may talk to their children about problems and subjects that their children are not mature enough to understand.
As your child grows up, you will need to gradually allow them more and more privacy. Building trust in your child, and letting them know they can come to you when they have a problem, can make this process easier.
Build an Emotional Support System with Other Adults
Adults in enmeshed families may have few friends because they are so dependent on their children. This leaves their children in a difficult place. It can be hard for their kids to make friends as well, and they may invest in a considerable amount of emotional energy into helping their parents with various problems.
It’s okay to open up to your children about age-appropriate subjects, or share when you’re feeling sad. However, maintaining adult friendships is crucial. When problems come up, turn to a friend or trusted relative before your child. You could also consider talking to a therapist if you would prefer to seek professional help.
Are you concerned that you might be enmeshed with your child? A family therapist can help you address this issue. Reach Us out to us to book your first session.